I'm So Normal (according to Bill)

I know earlier I said that my life is not average, but sometimes I am truly thankful for how "normal" my private life is, relatively speaking.

One night, back when I was still living at Number One Observatory Circle, we got a knock on our door at about 11:30pm. Bill was there, wearing pajamas with feet, and he looked like he hadn't slept in days.

He asked if he could crash on my couch, and of course I told him I had to ask Tipper first.... JK, he came in and we started chatting. Tipper came down and warmed up a glass of milk for him. As you probably guessed, this was during the whole Lewinsky debacle, and needless to say things were preeeetty rocky back at the White House.

When Tipper went back upstairs to bed, Bill looked at me, shook his head, and just said "Al, how can you be so f---ing normal?"

I just smiled and told him "Well, I'll probably get a little weirder someday. My time just hasn't come yet."

But then the poor, bedraggled Bill got a little glint in his eye. It was a little glimmer of the old, feisty Bill who we all know and love. I expected him to jump up and drag us out the door to a strip club. But instead he said, "We should start a rumor that you're gay!"

I was not amused. "Bill, I don't think - "

"No wait, hear me out Al. It would be so freaking hilarious!! Cause of course we all know that you're not gay. But the media would have a field day with it!! And then you'd have to do this awkward thing where you say you're not gay but without saying anything that offended the gay community.... Oh man, I am loving this idea!! Get what's-her-face, your PR lady on the phone!"

"Hmmmmm. And, I suppose this media feeding frenzy would take some of the heat off of your Lewinsky thing."


You know what? I almost did it. I mean, Bill is a true friend and we've both taken punches for each other before. We sat around and talked about make-believe Al Gore scandals till 3 in the morning. Of course our PR people convinced us that it would be a nightmare for both of our careers, so in the end, as you know, it didn't happen. Bill was right though, it would have been super funny.

Twitter Me Timbers

Yes I like to talk like a pirate sometimes! Who doesn't?

So, to all you twitter users out there who are sending out little twitters every 20-30 minutes because you are trying to "build your brand" ... I say to you the following 3 things:

1. I am Al Gore.
2. I have updated my twitter 40 times in the last 7 months.
3. I have 995,902 followers and am adding more at a rate of approximately 5 per minute.

In other words, if time travel were possible, the creators of the video game "Zero Wing" would go back and write "Somebody set up us the Al Gore." Boo-yah.

Worst Video Ever!!!1!1!one!

Ok I'm not even going to get into the politics of this video.... however if I find out that CEI is run by all white people, I'm going to call Judge Sotomayor and get her to "take care of them", if you know what I mean.

But for now, I just have two questions for you guys.

1. What's with the Hooter's outfit chic? In the 1984-future-world, the only 'free thinker' is a girl who works at Hooters? That makes sense, those girls have always been known to go against the grain in terms of social norms and gender stereotypes.

2. If I am the all-powerful "Big Brother", why do I make everyone shave their head? I mean a) it's ugly, and b) hair actually absorbs C02. (Ok I made that second part up, LOL.)

My Life is Not Average

Hey, have you guys seen this My Life is Average website? It is freaking hilarious! I was laughing so hard that milk came out my nose.

Basically, people write short little blurbs such as "Today, I thought about going for a jog. Instead I watched TV and ate gummi bears." and then end it by saying "My life is average." It's so funny that I thought about writing one myself. But then I realized, hey I'm Al Gore. My life is so far from average it isn't even funny.

But what I could do is write about my staffers! Their lives are definitely average. I mean let's face it, when you're trying to make it in politics you can't speak your mind, you're always kissing butts, and your work always has to come first. I know, I've been there too.

So here's one I came up with: "During the 2000 campaign, one of my staffers fell in love with one of George Bush's staffers. It would have been a real Romeo and Juliet story. But she broke it off because she didn't want to risk losing her job. Her life is average."

How funny is that? ROFL.

A Simple Life

"No one wants to hear about clean energy summits, or testifying before congress, because that s--t is boring!"

Guess who said that? Yep, Paris. I mentioned a few posts ago that she called me... she wanted me to do a new version of her "Simple Life" show - remember the one where her and her little friend go live on a farm for a month? She wanted me to live and work on an organic farm, to raise awareness for my cause. (And presumably raise money for her, since she would be producing the show). I'll admit she did have some valid points... people are more interested in watching celebrities in uncomfortable situations than watching C-SPAN. But I am just too busy and I don't want to lose momentum on all the stuff I have going right now.

Maybe she can get George W to do it - I don't think he's super busy these days. Plus I have to say, I think that would be funnier.

House Party

Usually I try really hard to avoid using my celebrity status to gain unfair advantages in everyday life. I don't accept free jackets from ArcTeryx, I don't cut lines at Disneyland, etc. But there is one thing that I did as a personal favor to myself (after I got out of office, of course!) which I wouldn't have been able to do if I weren't famous. And I have to admit, I shamelessly enjoy it.

What did I do? Well.... I became friends with the cast and crew of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

So last weekend, Tipper and I decided to throw an old-fashioned kegger, and we invited the Star Trek folks, of course, as well as the usual mix of politicians and other celebs. Here's a summary of the key events that took place at the party:

First person to pass out - Laura Bush, at 9pm. She's not much of a partier, but man she can sleep through anything!

Person who won the most money at poker - Dick Cheney, of course!

Person woh lost the most money - Brent Spiner (Data). This award usually goes to George W., but he was too busy playing in the Baghdad tourney.

Longest keg stand - Michael Dorn. (Worf).

Second longest keg stand - Gates McFadden. (Dr. Crusher.) This woman kicks ass.

Youngest arm candy - Elliot Spitzer.

Most random person to show up - Puff Daddy (or whatever his name is now). I swear I still have no idea who invited him.

Most shots consumed without puking - Colm Meaney. (You probably don't know who he is unless you're a big Star Trek fan.)

Cougar Award - Nancy Pelosi for dirty dancing with Wil Wheaton (Wesley Crusher - also in Stand By Me).

All in all, it was a great time! We danced, there were a few pukers, Tipper and I played flip-cup, and Bill went on a burrito run at 3am. I am telling you, if you ever become famous, hook yourself up with the Star Trek crew, they are awesome to party with!

And..... it's a draw!

So guess who showed up at the World Business Summit on Climate Change? Bono! And he saw "me" drinking a coffee. Of course, it wasn't actually me. I had such bad caffeine withdrawal symptoms that I sent my stunt double (yeah it's not just Saddam Hussein who pulls that trick!) to do the summit for me. I mean, come on. I'm not going to fly to Copenhagen if I can't even get out of bed. Bono claims that this violated the spirit of the bet, and I could see his point but I did technically make it through with no coffee, so we each ended up donating to each other's charity.

By the way I drank 3 coffees yesterday to celebrate being done with the week of no coffee! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Paris Hilton - the back story

Yesterday I had a chat with Paris Hilton, but before I get into that I thought I should tell the story of my previous communications with Ms. Hilton.

A couple years ago, she called my house out of the blue and asked if I could go to this nightclub opening in Vegas with her. I of course told her that I would not be able to, and that as a general rule I would only attend such an event with my wife. She went on with some ridiculous nonsense about how sexy I was in "An Inconvenient Truth", but I finally got her to admit that she'd been put up to asking me out on a dare.

Anyway, I think she was fairly surprised that she got "rejected" - apparently married people in Hollywood generally have no problem when their spouses go to nightclubs with other people? Well, I'm not sure what she was thinking, but for some reason she started calling me a lot. She'd ask me out on some kind of date or outing, and I would say no of course. Then I'd try to tell her that she is an intelligent girl and she just needs to apply herself and be a tad less slutty, and she could really make something of herself. Honestly, I think she liked getting advice from me. (I'm pretty sure she didn't take any of it though.)

Despite the fatherly tone of my conversations with Paris, Tipper started getting kind of annoyed after a while, and really who can blame her? She was worried about rumors spreading. I mean, let's face it. I'm Al Gore. I'm mostly serious with a bit of fun, light-hearted humor sprinkled in now and then. I testify to congress, fund raise, release bald eagles into the wild, that sort of thing. If John Denver were still alive, the two of us could be photographed together. Paris Hilton, not so much. That is why one day Tipper finally said "Hey Al, can we take Paris off of the List?"

The List is a list of names of friends and family. We change our phone number a lot, probably every few months or so, due to prank calls and whatnot, and the people on the List get notified every time that happens. When I say get notified I mean that someone on our staff calls them. Obviously I don't have time to sit there and call hundreds of people.

After the next number change, we still get calls from Paris. She got the number so quickly, we figured that someone on the list must be leaking it to her. Tipper and I looked at the list and on the first page we spotted our answer. Bill.

I called Bill and asked him about Paris, and he confirmed my suspicion. "Why Al, this nice young lady, who happens to be very attractive, calls me up and asks for your number. I may be a lot of things, but I am not a cock-blocker."

I explained the situation to him, and asked him if he could do me a favor. I then gave him the phone number of Cousin Frank. Now, Cousin Frank is not my cousin. He's a guy I went to high school with. I could tell some stories about Frank but suffice it to say that you can find some pretty hard-core hick stuff going on in Tennessee, and Frank exemplifies that quite well. Missing teeth, banjo, works in a mine, the whole bit.

Bill agreed to give Frank's number to Paris after our next number change, and ever since that time I had not heard from Paris again. Until yesterday.

to be continued...

P.S. Today is day 6 of my no coffee challenge. The headaches have finally subsided, but I am still taking a nap every afternoon. It's very strange. I am so glad that tomorrow is the last day of this nonsense, because I don't really have time for naps. Maybe when I'm 85 or so I can start that.

My Feelings are Hurt

Normally I don't do google news searches on "Al Gore", because my doctor says it's bad for my blood pressure. This is another funny thing about being Al Gore - at least once a day, every single day, someone writes something really mean about you on the internet. Just to give you an example, today someone here wrote:

Al Gore - the former vice president, Nobel Prize recipient and Academy Award winner for "An Inconvenient Truth" - has made tremendous money off the global warming hoax.

Maybe it's just because I haven't had my coffee this morning but I find that whole article to be exceptionally hurtful. First of all, even if I were a charlatan, at least I'm not this guy. A 60 year old Puerto Rican who claims to be Jesus? Why not pick on him you right-wing meanies?

Second of all, unlike Puerto Rican Jesus, global warming actually has, oh I don't know, 100 million Gigabytes of scientific evidence to back it up! Not a hoax.

Just as a side note, I had a statue commissioned to hold my Nobel Prize and Academy Award. It's a glass tree, and there will be places within the branches that snugly hold the awards. It's going to be so beautiful you guys! It's kind of like.... the fruits of my labor. Get it?

Apologizing

One funny thing about being Al Gore is that random people are always apologizing to me for stuff. For example, if I order a coffee at a fast food place, and it comes in a Styrofoam cup, the employee might say, "I'm so sorry we don't have biodegradable cups!" People apologize to me for using plastic grocery bags, not riding their bikes to work, watering their lawns. It's kind of weird.

Sometimes I just want to say, "you know what? One time I was on a friend's yacht and we ran over a freakin' dolphin and killed it. So don't feel bad."

In other news, I called Bono back last night. Starting tomorrow I am drinking no coffee for one week. Yikes!! Or, as the kids these days say, OMG!

Phone Call from Bono

A few days after Tips and I get home from Dubai (I'll admit that dang party was pretty fun), I get a phone call from Bono. He wants me to donate $50,000 to his Africa thing. Here's pretty much how that conversation went:

me: Bono, I just spent so much money on carbon offsets because Tipper and I flew to Dubai. I pretty much pump all of my money into the environment.

Bono: So you're saying that you think trees are more important than people? Think of all the starving children over there!

me: Hey, of course I think of them man. Every time I finish what's on my plate. But you know what, to be totally honest, I'm not sure how eco-friendly the people in Africa are. I mean, they're probably littering, burning their trash, and driving around on scooters with 2-stroke engines.

Bono: I'll have you know that impovrished Africans are very eco-friendly. Most of them don't use any electricity at all, don't drive cars, and the ones who aren't on food aid eat 100% locally-grown food. Do you eat 100% local Al?

me: Well, I shop at my local farmer's market every weekend.

Bono: Do you drink coffee?

me: yes, I love coffee.

Bono: Do you know where that comes from?

me: ummmm.....

Bono: How about this? If you can go for one week without drinking coffee, then I'll make a 50k donation to your eco thing. And if not, you have to make the donation to my Africa thing.

me: Hmmmm. I have to give a talk tomorrow. Not sure how that would work with no coffee..... let me think about it.

So, I don't know. I'm thinking about taking this no-coffee challenge. I haven't been without coffee since my undergrad days at Harvard, but it would be for a good cause.

Eco-friendly Celebrities

Sometimes people ask me if I get to hang out with a lot of movie stars, since I am a celebrity and all. I tell them that normally politicians tend to run in different circles than Hollywood celebs, but I was roommates with Tommy Lee Jones back in the day. And let me tell you, we got into our fair share of shenanigans. Well ok, mostly I was the sober one trying to keep everyone out of trouble. But I've witnessed some crazy stuff.

Sometimes it's hard hanging out with celebrities because they're always inviting you to stuff that isn't very eco-friendly. For example, Tommy's wife Dawn recently invited Tipper and I to this party that they were throwing in Dubai. And you know women. Dawn and Tipper get talking about purses or something, and how the ones in Dubai are so cool and everyone is shopping there, and blah blah blah. So Tipper says she wants to go to this party and I am like "hey, we can't be flying halfway around the world just for a party. Do you know how many carbon emissions we'd put out over the course of that trip?" I felt kind of bad because she seemed really upset, and of course this wasn't the first time that I was putting my foot down against some celebrity nonsense. But I knew that she loved the environment too, and once she calmed down she would realize that we were making the right decision. Sure enough, once I poured a couple glasses of wine and popped in a Planet Earth DVD, she came out of our room and snuggled.

At that point I thought everything was cool, but to this day I am a little suspicious about what happened next. The very next day I got a call from Bill.

"Hey Al," he says, "I just had a speaker cancel on me for a CGI conference coming up next week. I know it's really short notice, but is there any way you could give that same slide show presentation you did last weekend? It was so great, with the polar bears and what-not."

"Sure Bill, of course." I don't know how many of you have ever talked to Bill, but he has this amazing way of getting people to say yes before they realize what they've committed to. "Where's the talk?" I ask him.

"Dubai."

Score 1 for Tipper.

Welcome to my World

I already have my journal, which is full of serious environmental stuff, but I thought I'd start a 'fun' blog also. The thing is, a lot of funny stuff happens to you if you're Al Gore.

For example, Tipper and I still laugh about the time a couple years ago when our cleaning lady showed up to work driving a new Hummer H2. I mean, hello, can you say public relations nightmare? We got into this huge debate about what to do with it. Obviously we didn't want our maid driving a Hummer, but we also didn't want to sell the thing, or even give it away, because we didn't want someone else out there driving this monstrosity!!

We even tried calling Bill to ask for suggestions, but he wasn't much help. He said "I know a few girls who like hummers," and then laughed at his own joke for at least a full minute. Seriously? You can't even make this stuff up.

Finally we came up with a solution that we thought was pretty awesome. We took out the engine and gave the Hummer to our maid's brother so he could start a business giving horse-drawn Hummer rides around downtown. It pretty much seemed like a win-win for everyone! Unfortunately that guy later got busted for running a cock-fighting ring... I'm telling you, it's always something.