I'm So Normal (according to Bill)

I know earlier I said that my life is not average, but sometimes I am truly thankful for how "normal" my private life is, relatively speaking.

One night, back when I was still living at Number One Observatory Circle, we got a knock on our door at about 11:30pm. Bill was there, wearing pajamas with feet, and he looked like he hadn't slept in days.

He asked if he could crash on my couch, and of course I told him I had to ask Tipper first.... JK, he came in and we started chatting. Tipper came down and warmed up a glass of milk for him. As you probably guessed, this was during the whole Lewinsky debacle, and needless to say things were preeeetty rocky back at the White House.

When Tipper went back upstairs to bed, Bill looked at me, shook his head, and just said "Al, how can you be so f---ing normal?"

I just smiled and told him "Well, I'll probably get a little weirder someday. My time just hasn't come yet."

But then the poor, bedraggled Bill got a little glint in his eye. It was a little glimmer of the old, feisty Bill who we all know and love. I expected him to jump up and drag us out the door to a strip club. But instead he said, "We should start a rumor that you're gay!"

I was not amused. "Bill, I don't think - "

"No wait, hear me out Al. It would be so freaking hilarious!! Cause of course we all know that you're not gay. But the media would have a field day with it!! And then you'd have to do this awkward thing where you say you're not gay but without saying anything that offended the gay community.... Oh man, I am loving this idea!! Get what's-her-face, your PR lady on the phone!"

"Hmmmmm. And, I suppose this media feeding frenzy would take some of the heat off of your Lewinsky thing."


You know what? I almost did it. I mean, Bill is a true friend and we've both taken punches for each other before. We sat around and talked about make-believe Al Gore scandals till 3 in the morning. Of course our PR people convinced us that it would be a nightmare for both of our careers, so in the end, as you know, it didn't happen. Bill was right though, it would have been super funny.

Twitter Me Timbers

Yes I like to talk like a pirate sometimes! Who doesn't?

So, to all you twitter users out there who are sending out little twitters every 20-30 minutes because you are trying to "build your brand" ... I say to you the following 3 things:

1. I am Al Gore.
2. I have updated my twitter 40 times in the last 7 months.
3. I have 995,902 followers and am adding more at a rate of approximately 5 per minute.

In other words, if time travel were possible, the creators of the video game "Zero Wing" would go back and write "Somebody set up us the Al Gore." Boo-yah.

Worst Video Ever!!!1!1!one!

Ok I'm not even going to get into the politics of this video.... however if I find out that CEI is run by all white people, I'm going to call Judge Sotomayor and get her to "take care of them", if you know what I mean.

But for now, I just have two questions for you guys.

1. What's with the Hooter's outfit chic? In the 1984-future-world, the only 'free thinker' is a girl who works at Hooters? That makes sense, those girls have always been known to go against the grain in terms of social norms and gender stereotypes.

2. If I am the all-powerful "Big Brother", why do I make everyone shave their head? I mean a) it's ugly, and b) hair actually absorbs C02. (Ok I made that second part up, LOL.)

My Life is Not Average

Hey, have you guys seen this My Life is Average website? It is freaking hilarious! I was laughing so hard that milk came out my nose.

Basically, people write short little blurbs such as "Today, I thought about going for a jog. Instead I watched TV and ate gummi bears." and then end it by saying "My life is average." It's so funny that I thought about writing one myself. But then I realized, hey I'm Al Gore. My life is so far from average it isn't even funny.

But what I could do is write about my staffers! Their lives are definitely average. I mean let's face it, when you're trying to make it in politics you can't speak your mind, you're always kissing butts, and your work always has to come first. I know, I've been there too.

So here's one I came up with: "During the 2000 campaign, one of my staffers fell in love with one of George Bush's staffers. It would have been a real Romeo and Juliet story. But she broke it off because she didn't want to risk losing her job. Her life is average."

How funny is that? ROFL.

A Simple Life

"No one wants to hear about clean energy summits, or testifying before congress, because that s--t is boring!"

Guess who said that? Yep, Paris. I mentioned a few posts ago that she called me... she wanted me to do a new version of her "Simple Life" show - remember the one where her and her little friend go live on a farm for a month? She wanted me to live and work on an organic farm, to raise awareness for my cause. (And presumably raise money for her, since she would be producing the show). I'll admit she did have some valid points... people are more interested in watching celebrities in uncomfortable situations than watching C-SPAN. But I am just too busy and I don't want to lose momentum on all the stuff I have going right now.

Maybe she can get George W to do it - I don't think he's super busy these days. Plus I have to say, I think that would be funnier.

House Party

Usually I try really hard to avoid using my celebrity status to gain unfair advantages in everyday life. I don't accept free jackets from ArcTeryx, I don't cut lines at Disneyland, etc. But there is one thing that I did as a personal favor to myself (after I got out of office, of course!) which I wouldn't have been able to do if I weren't famous. And I have to admit, I shamelessly enjoy it.

What did I do? Well.... I became friends with the cast and crew of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

So last weekend, Tipper and I decided to throw an old-fashioned kegger, and we invited the Star Trek folks, of course, as well as the usual mix of politicians and other celebs. Here's a summary of the key events that took place at the party:

First person to pass out - Laura Bush, at 9pm. She's not much of a partier, but man she can sleep through anything!

Person who won the most money at poker - Dick Cheney, of course!

Person woh lost the most money - Brent Spiner (Data). This award usually goes to George W., but he was too busy playing in the Baghdad tourney.

Longest keg stand - Michael Dorn. (Worf).

Second longest keg stand - Gates McFadden. (Dr. Crusher.) This woman kicks ass.

Youngest arm candy - Elliot Spitzer.

Most random person to show up - Puff Daddy (or whatever his name is now). I swear I still have no idea who invited him.

Most shots consumed without puking - Colm Meaney. (You probably don't know who he is unless you're a big Star Trek fan.)

Cougar Award - Nancy Pelosi for dirty dancing with Wil Wheaton (Wesley Crusher - also in Stand By Me).

All in all, it was a great time! We danced, there were a few pukers, Tipper and I played flip-cup, and Bill went on a burrito run at 3am. I am telling you, if you ever become famous, hook yourself up with the Star Trek crew, they are awesome to party with!